My life is a soap opera!
by Sorachiyo22
Summary: My first actually uploaded fic ever. Cannot make good titles or summaries.. Allen has a temporary nervous breakdown and he decided to take out his long forgotten diary to write down his current emotional state. YAOI! KandaXLaviXAllen, love triangle. Probably M content later on...
1. Chapter 1

**AN: Hi everyone!**

 **This is my first uploaded fanfiction ever, I hope you'll like it!** **I was writing fics for ever now, but never had the courage to upload any of them. But now I have decided to do so... so basically I'm a newbie, so be kind with the reviews please! ^^**

 **Summary: Allen has a temporary nervous breakdown and he decided to take out his long forgotten diary to write down his current emotional state.**

 **Warning: It's a YAOI! Boys on boys, BL, homosexual content, gay fic, whatever you call it. Emotional wreck Allen, love triangle, whining, angst, probably a bit OOC. Swearing, hints of sexuality, possible spoilers from the manga. Grammar and spelling mistakes. (Sorry, I'm not a native English speaker….)**

 **Disclaimer: The usual… I don't own DGM, or any of its characters!**

 ** _My life is a soap opera!_**

Annoying…. it's just simply so fucking annoying!

I mean I am a patient and humble guy, usually I'm not easy to piss off…. but he…. he just makes me tick all the time nowadays.

I thought he was my friend, we fought alongside all the time…. hell we even made a quite good combo. Me clashing the higher level AKUMA-s with my Edge End, or Sword of Exorcism, and he would take care of the lower levels with his Fire Seal in great numbers.

Okay, this hasn't changed, I could still relay on him in battle, as I know he would watch my back, so as I would his. But lately - after he renounced being the successor of the Bookman line and he decided just to be an exorcist - his behaviour had changed in some ways. He was still the old cheerful, comic relief, idiot Lavi we all knew, but now as an exorcist he is allowed to have feelings, and that aspect of him made him annoying!

Not for everyone, but for me though…. Lenalee for example, was so happy that she has yet another brother, who has a 'my cute lil' sis' complex, not that Komui and his Komurins wasn't enough….no now Lavi has also taken up the overprotective brother role.

Which was a surprise to be frank…. we thought that - with his tendency to go 'strike!' when he sees a cute girl - she would be the first to be jumped on, when Komui is not around and she has become of 'age'. But no…he did not….

He jumped on the 'annoys the hell out of me' number 2.

Kanda.

The stoic, cold hearted bastard, and his death glares that should scare the hell out of the Millennium Earl himself…. with a long silky black hair, and toned muscular chest with his curse tattoo, and perfect face and so damn kissable lips….

Stop, stop, stop…. back to the topic, before I would feel hot and bother just to think about how Kanda could look like while having a hell of an orgasm, given by me….

Ehem….so…. yeah…. now I should take a cold shower…. damn….

.

.

.


	2. Chapter 2

I'm so happy that no one really knows I write a diary. Probably my innocent gentleman image would be ruined in two lines into reading this….so let's start it over, after my helpful shower I feel much better….and still annoyed…but let's sum up the events so far, because I was so busy so I couldn't write for a long time.

First, we came back from the Ark all ragged and exhausted, but in one piece, safe and sound. We all were confined in the hospital for weeks, even Kanda with his sexy ass…. ehem…. I mean extraordinary healing abilities; he was still ordered to stay there for some time. Then the old HQ was destroyed by the AKUMA and Noah attack (it was horrible…..ugh….I feel sick just to remember it….especially the first time I've seen the soul of a Level 4…..feeling sick….uguhughug), the AKUMA EGG was taken back (not before I could shatter it severely…..), and we moved to the new HQ. Then I was suspected as a Noah, as I had the abilities to move Noah's Ark, but still they made a good use of it… (And me, gaah but of course…These Central bastards are not my favourites...) So I was watched for a long time, then they saw that I have no intention turning into a Noah, although I can feel its presence in the back of my mind… but I kind of locked him over there. But anyway, not this story now…. maybe some other time….so well my inspection was suspended and everyone moved on to the next stage of the war.

But more importantly why I took up my diary for now. So in some time Lavi and Bookman was taken hostage by the enemy, they have tortured Lavi to have Bookman spill some information, but luckily we were able to rescue them before they could get any important stuff… But Lavi was damaged greatly, we were really worried about him. Luckily eventually he was fine, and then he decided to renounce his position as Bookman Jr. Strangely Bookman wasn't that concerned about this…Probably he was the one who helped through Lavi in his decision. We were not informed about the reasons…. Probably Komui was, but we were not.

Anyway, Lenalee turned 18, Kanda 21, Lavi 20 and I 17… If I think about this…. I wasn't really writing for two years…. WOW. This just happened once, after Mana died and I was taken in by Idiot General… Who seem to have disappeared again, although most of the Order think he died, in that attack…. but I don't think so…. I mean he is not so easy to get rid of…..Sometime when I'm on a mission and stumble across an inn….I half afraid to have an enormous tab on my name…ugggh…..not yet so far…..but anyway… so many things had happened in the past two years, so when I have the time I should write it down for some unlucky fool who will find my diary after my body is long turned to dust…..

But that won't help my current state of mind to clear up…..so yeah….back to the actual issue now. That retarded rabbit…..so after Lavi was back from the dead, he renounced his Bookman successor right, and become a full time exorcist… so he was now allowed to have feelings for others…

And the probably the second most unthinkable couple was born…. Kanda and Lavi…..Everyone in the Order was like WTF? I included…. I mean yeah, I totally understand Lavi's taste…. Kanda is like….waah….no…I shouldn't think about it…or I would need yet another cold shower. So yeah, for some reason (I would never gasp it though….) Kanda has returned Lavi's feeling, and they have become a couple….

AND THEY ALWAYS RUB IT TO MY EYES! Especially that damn Usagi (word taken from Kanda…I think it means rabbit…though I cannot speak Japanese). He should be aware of my feelings for that damn bastard…. I think at least.…..oh yeah if it wasn't clear enough, I do have feelings for that stoic bastard….who wouldn't when he trains without a shirt, his perfect abs and body tensed when he slashes his Mugen…..sweat dripping down his muscles…..(oh god…..ehem…), to display for everyone who comes by the training grounds….

So I side tracked yet again. So Usagi should be aware of my secret affection for that bastard, as he is an observant guy, and he hinted me that he knows… I think…. and he has the guts to take him away from me, before I even could make a move.


	3. Chapter 3

**AN.:**

 **Hi everyone again! :D  
Thank you for all of you, who read/followed/favorited my story so far! ****  
I know I didn't upload much, and I actually cut it in a strange place. Well the reason behind that, was, I actually already wrote quite a few pages, but I was hoping to improve my writing with the help of you dear readers!** **But I actually realized, that where I cut the story is not too much for review yet… XD Now I upload a longer chapter and, I hope you'll like it!**

It's not that Kanda and I was ever close to come into a romantic relationship, as usually seemingly we cannot even stay in the same room for a long time without getting into a heated fight…. which I love dearly by the way...as usually after, our swords get discarded to the side, we get into a physical brawl where I can touch him everywhere, without being suspected of actually wanting to touch him….

So for the rest of the Order we seem to be the actual most unthinkable couple ever…. well my mask never falters too visibly on the outside. It's a good trick I picked up as a clown next to Mana.

But still everyone was surprised when their relationship come to the light… Of course I was totally heartbroken, and royally pissed, but couldn't help it…. I am blaming myself to not being able to take a move on Kanda, when I had a lot of chance to do so. But my fucking fear of being rejected by him as well, was far stronger.

Yep I'm a wimp…. But seriously… Why would anyone like Kanda want someone like me? Cursed double time over…. With my left eye and the Noah resided in the back of my head… It's hard to admit, but Tyki might be right…. To house two monsters, the Innocence and the Noah…..

So no wonder he couldn't even be in the same room as me for long…. But it still came as a shock, when I actually busted the door on the two of them…well in a very compromising situation, where both of them were naked, and connected by the lower body parts….. Ehem….so yeah…. no denying…. I ran like, Kanda's Hell Insects were in my ass, probably they were, but I couldn't dare to look back….

For a long time, I tried to avoid them, so I asked Komui to send me on a long mission, but with the Ark, there wasn't any longer journeys to the location, as I could open a door anywhere I've been before….and I was all over the world…Well the longest time I got was a month…first I thought it would be fine, but then when I come back, and Kanda and Lavi was an official couple in the open, I felt the same pain as before. I wasn't over him at all… And they had no idea…. or I thought so first….

I thought I don't show my true emotions, or that my mask never falls… But for some reason, when I was around Kanda I was even more annoyed, and freaked out after two seconds. Or when I saw them together (no public display though in the beginning, but I could see it…) I was acting strange… like making a fool out of myself, with some trivial stuff, like walking into a pole….or dropping my dishes, or just having my ass beaten up, by Krory or anyone else, including both of them. Although my sync rate should be higher than Lavi's (not sure about Kanda though, but he is a freakin' General now….), and he could beat me in the spars.

Which was quite unusual from me, even though Kanda thinks I looks like a bean sprout (Still don't get this….as I've actually grown quite a few centimetres…. I think I actually having average height for my age….I can't help it that the two of them are abnormally tall for their Asian roots… but whatever….) , as my Crowned Clown is quite strong.

So the likes of this, are happening whenever they are around me, I mean both of them…When it's just Lavi, we can still actually talk like we used to, like friends…. Well if it is just Kanda, then I'm still a disaster. But when the two of them….well…

Lenalee was even concerned once, when I had a series of these kind of unlucky event while the two of them was around one day…Although I managed to wave it away, and just said I had a bad day, and she was fine by that (or just let me deal with whatever was bothering me on my own….). But the truth, was different.

Let me tell you a story, my unlucky reader of the probably long yellow and aged diary, if you found it between the ruins of whatever place I would left it before I die once…

I came home from a really hard mission, that I had together with Kanda and Lavi, I mean the mission itself wasn't hard, just a simple destroy the AKUMA and grab the Innocence kind…I don't even know why Komui had sent the three of us! Either of us would have been enough alone for this…. but seemingly Komui find that a good idea to have us together…. As I wrote before, Lavi and I are a good combo…. but if you put Kanda in the team as well, we are a kind of unstoppable offensive force. Komui explained when I asked why the hell we need three of us for this mission, he said, that there are a vast force of high level AKUMA-s around a possible Innocence location, and the finders cannot get close to investigate. And if there is a big number of AKUMA, then it is also possible that a Noah is present, hence we need to get the upper hand. Okay…. fine I accepted this. But in the end it was easier than he expected. True there was a vast force of AKUMA, with some level threes, and a swarm of twos. But no level fours or Noahs. We destroyed them all with ease, and get the innocence without a hitch.

But to see them together all the time, as me the third wheel was exhausting like hell. I actually think that Komui knows that lately we cannot get along that well at Home, so maybe he just wanted us to be on some kind of bonding journey or what….as actually, we HAD to travel a week at least from the nearest gate to the secluded mountain village on FOOT and CAMPING TOGETHER! And they are at it as bunnies…. no wonder, Lavi is a rabbit…. XD

I was emotionally so exhausted to hear Kanda moaning and panting, but not above me… I seriously was thinking to get lost 'accidentally' and no one would suspect anything with my sense of directions…. but whenever I've tried to get lost….one of them actually found me…. okay…. usually Timcampy had found me…. the little traitor…. he should be MY PARTNER, helping ME and not LAVI or KANDA!

So after this mission…my torture has continued at Home as well… And yeah I was a verge of tears many times, and this was what Lenalee has noticed.

She was so nice and tried to help me (without knowing the reason), but I just brushed her away with some lame excuses….I feel a bit self-conscious…. Why couldn't I fall for her instead of Kanda?

Okay, then I should have dealt with Komui and his Komurins, but those are destroyable at least… but no…I had to fell for someone like him….A stoic, cold-hearted, bastard, who is NOT AVALIBLE to boost….


	4. Chapter 4

**AN: Next chappy! :D Again I just thank you all who read my fic! To see how the number of viewers raises makes me want to continue it. Although lately I got into some kind of trouble about how to continue, (As I have plenty of ideas, but I don't know which one should I use to this particular fic….^^) but I hope my confusion will end soon and I can continue! :D**

 **Warnings: SPOILER ALERT! Not in details, but still…. Just in case.**

 **Disclaimer: Yep, still don't own DGM.**

And the whole thing is just so strange!

I wrote before, it seems my feelings are known for the two of them most likely, but lately I have some strange thoughts…. And things happening around me that makes me want to strangle someone…. preferably myself….or Lavi….not sure…

So the thing is…. this feeling about them knowing my feelings goes on some time, and their reaction is kind of strange… I mean I'm not quite sure about them knowing it, but it seems like it….or not? Oh, god…this thing is killing my brain… why am I thinking this hard?

But I don't know anything…..so let's just try to decipher some situation I got myself into with these two….

First, after the initial shock was over, I kind of tried to get myself over it.

I was thinking….If they're happy, then I shouldn't complain, or try to get between them. As I was the one who didn't take any step after I realized my feelings for that bastard samurai, so I was receiving what I had coming… Then I was trying to fool myself into believing that this is just some kind of hormonal thing, as I started to mature…

As well known, the Black Order lacks of females, and the few of them are just out of question, (Let's see: Lenalee…she is cute, and all.. but more like a sister? And well…. fearsome brother and homicidal robots…too scary… Miranda….uhm….just no…she is kind but…no. General Nine? haha….don't make me laugh…and I don't know many female finders… so no…..Oh forgot the Asian Branch, but just Lou Fa…I know she liked me… she is kind and funny, but no…whatever…) so I thought it is totally normal for a teenager boy like me, to have ranging hormones and start to be interested in, well, preferably women, and ehem...so yeah… the clear lack of thereof….makes me turn on guys… It seems like a common thing here. So I just accepted it as a possibility. Not even questioning myself when I started to have feelings for the same gender.

So guys, there are plenty of them…. but I had to find the least possible one to return my feelings.

Kanda.

I don't know how this happened…but….. I cannot really control it. From the first time we met, he seems to hate me. First it was kind of mutual, his mind set about…. well basically everything was pissing me up…. Then I actually started to see behind those dark eyes... How he actually cared about others (including me), or how driven he was to destroy the AKUMA, even though his reasons were unknown. Then the whole Ark-event and the following attack and such. I started to see him as a friend, who I care for deeply…soon he started to train with me, as he couldn't watch me swinging my broadsword, and of course just being us we got into many brawls…. I think those times were the first I started to feel rather…. well to put it nicely, I started to have those weird dreams, where we usually ended up naked and….no…. don't think about it…. but you get the point…

Then that whole thing with Alma, his past, and my temporary declaration as a Noah, my imprisonment and escape, then my exile etc.… Well I was in a great denial then, but when he came for me and brought back to the Order, and we cleared my name, and he was chosen as General, well around that time I came to accept my feelings for him.

And didn't do anything.

Then he got together with Lavi. Yep. Back to the main topic. So I had a few stages of the emotions, and I was a total wreck. I thought in time my depression will be over and such…and it seemed like the case…until…Kanda started to behave differently.

We started to be able in the same room, conversing like normal people for some time, before we got physical…not like that…fighting…. then once we were on a mission together just the two of us, and I had a small fit - about some trivial thing- and he was actually trying to listen and ask me how I feel! Of course I couldn't tell him the truth …. (That he is there just a stretch away, and I cannot touch him, because he is fucking taken!) So I had my frustration taken on some unlucky dude, who just happened to challenge me in poker….. And well…. after years of poker to pay that Idiot Master's debts… he was flattened. And it wasn't enough I also had to destroy some building when he tried to get away with my winnings…. So yep, I was a bit out of it then.

And after this as well…there were quite a few times when he kind of tried to be friendlier with me? I mean as much as he could, being himself… Calling me to sparring when I was too frustrated, or even letting me kick his ass sometimes…. which surprised everyone who saw it (well, meaning Lavi….).

Or he was letting me eat with him at the same table that was only allowed to Lavi and Lenalee sometimes. Hell, he also waited for me to finish my enormous amount of food before leaving. I know it seems nothing….but we are talking about THAT KANDA! And how this little changes seems to be a big things to me… I mean comparing how it was before…

Once I thought, that Lavi made him like that, so I definitely shouldn't feel depressed and such. But his changes was just towards me…. He treated other in the same way. Snapping at them, glaring, and be a bastard as usual, but he started to be friendly with me… I couldn't help just to notice this…


	5. Chapter 5

**AN.: Hiya there! I usually upload on Sundays, but I was busy…. :( I'm sorry... So here is the next chapter. I hope you like it. :)**

And on the contrary, Lavi seems to change as well… he become less friendly, and he sometimes snaps at me when I do something strange. Although his way was to make it looks like a joke afterwards, or some kind of acting, but I saw his un-eye-patched eye. And also…he jumped on Kanda in public (although just hugging, which wouldn't be that strange as he feels touchy-free around everyone, but of course we know their relationship.) more often, and showing his 'claim' to me, I would say…. I mean when he kind of showed affection to the samurai, he kind of looked at me with a meaningful eye….. Signalling that 'he is mine'. And of course that would make me tick… but the worst…. the main reason I started to write my diary now (yep after a lots of pages of rumbling I started to get to the point…..) The major behavioural change was as he become more comfortable with the whole thing that he started putting their personal life to public. Before, I haven't seen them having arguments in public (I mean SERIOUS arguments, because with Kanda there is no non-argue, but those are just everyday stuff, he is like that), but recently, they were in a serious lovers fight a few times. Although not like the shouting and such type of fight….that is usual for them, don't forget I'm speaking about Kanda and Lavi… But these were different… It is hard to explain even to myself, as I just felt it is different... Well the latest looked like the following:

"Yuu-chan!" Lavi was whining. Kanda's 'don't call me that…' grunt was there as usual, but Lavi's usual reaction of making jokes about Kanda's threat was not present. Instead he said "leave it now! I know you like it when I call you Yuu!" He was smirking. Kanda just sighed, and looked at the Usagi, like 'fine whatever, out with it'. "I heard you accepted a long term mission alone…" He said clearly pouting. Kanda just 'tch'ed in response. But the rabbit was continuing "You always accept these missions…and you are hardly home..." He whined, probably thinking that no one really listens to them, in the slightly packed cafeteria. But I was not too far away hiding behind my mountain of food, and I've heard everything. Then he continued "And lately you are training more and more, and hardly spent time with me…"I kind of realized this as well… Mostly I found Kanda in the training ground alone. Yep sometimes it feels like stalking, when I put it like this, but not actually….it's just I'm more aware of them…..whatever….then Kanda answered.

"You know that we should gather the Innocence even faster and more effectively than before." He grunted. "We don't have time to idly dillydally around. " I've never thought I hear words like dillydally from Kanda…but I didn't have time to think about that then as he continued" You should get your arse to training as well…." he said, more Kanda-like…

"But you don't let me train with you anymore…" Lavi continued…such a girly pouting…. " You always pull Allen with you…." He said, I almost choked as my name suddenly appeared.

"Tch…. Moyashi need a proper training…. he has his sword for years now (just two! BaKanda!), and he still swings it like a piece of shit." he said

"Yeah sure…. But why it has to be you? He could just go to the Asian Branch and train there with those swords masters… they have taught you haven't they?" He said in a phlegmatic tone. How this become about me now? I never asked Kanda to train with me… he did it on his own accord I swear…

"They did, but they cannot handle that idiot." He grunted…well thanks Kanda, that's why I love you….

"Whatever… but still you could train with me as well…"

"I do train with you sometimes…But haven't you realized that never ends well?" He said

"Why? I like it when you are pissed and you push me into the wall…." He smirked perverted…. No I definitely don't want to hear that….

"Tch, that's not what I meant. We cannot really spar effectively, your hammer and my Mugen are not that compatible with each other." Kanda answered annoyed.

"Yeah, yeah I know…." Lavi pouted.

"Then what is it, spit it out…." Kanda said

"It's nothing…" he said, clearly not meaning this…

"Fine…" Kanda grunted as well, leaving it to be, and went back eating his soba. But Lavi was still pouting, and childishly playing with the food (Food is not a toy! It should be eaten!) They sat like that for some time. Kanda eating normally, and Lavi pouting half-heartedly. Sending glares to Kanda as well. From my point of view, I could see it clearly that Lavi had still something on his mind, but didn't say it. Kanda has finished his soba, and looked at the rabbit, probably waiting him to finish his meal, but he just shrugged his shoulder and continued playing with the food. Kanda sighed and stood up, leaving him there, and brought back his dishes. He went back to the table they shared and asked:

"Coming then? I'm off to training." He said

"Nope…." Lavi answered…. huh? Wasn't this the topic of their small argue? I mean he was complaining that Kanda didn't t spend enough time with him, and now, he asked him to train with him, so they could spend some time together while doing something useful…., and he says no…. what the hell…. Well after this Kanda left, and Lavi finished his meal pouting and alone. Then left as well.

I did not understand this first, but leave it like that…. not my concern, I thought…okay…I was curious, but still I shouldn't stick my nose where it doesn't belong…. although this thing was continuing later on the same day (which is actually today….)

Well after this, I was off to do my stuff, I wanted to train, but for some reason I found it not such a good idea, as Kanda was using the grounds. I was a bit afraid to face him now, although he wouldn't know that I heard what they were talking about. I know, that Lavi bringing up my name in their argument probably didn't mean anything, just stating the facts. (Yep it is true, that lately Kanda calls me to spar more then before. Of course not nicely…it's like this: hey Moyashi! Get your arse to the grounds so I could beat you up….such nice way to piss me off and jump on the occasion naturally…) So I decided to change my routine for today. First do the one-armed-standing-on-one-leg-of-the-chair- push-ups, then few laps around the building of the Order, then go to the training ground to slash dummies. I was hoping Kanda has finished then, so I don't have to deal with a probably now even more foul-moody exorcist…

After an hour or so, didn't really count…. I went to the training ground. And for my 'luck', Kanda was still there, in his all sweaty and half-naked glory…. I growled as I took a look at him, but I was already inside, so I couldn't chicken out now. Not disturbing him, I stayed the other end of the ground, out of sight, kind of, and started my own sword training with a wooden broadsword in my right. Of course, if I train without invoking my Innocence I had to recreate the same disadvantage I have, when I pull the Sword of Exorcism. Missing left arm. So I usually tie down my left arm.

I was halfway through my usual queues, blindfolded swings and such, when my sword clashed to something wooden, but much stronger, then the dummies, and I backed up in surprise.

"Tch idiot…." I heard that oh-too-familiar grunt. "The meaning of the blindfolded training is to be aware of your surroundings even when you cannot see! And you didn't even notice me coming here! Baka Moyashi!" Kanda said…don't you say…I am well aware of that, but my mind was totally occupied by Yuu (pun intended…) idiot, although not in the way he meant….

"I know that BaKanda…" I answered, I didn't really care about him calling me Moyashi anymore…got used to it, but still as a reflex I answered" And it is ALLEN! I know you remember it, so you just have to use it!" I grunted.

"Tch. Your defence is off, open entirely, a kid could kill you with a bamboo stick like this!" he said, and to enhance his words, he sticks his wooden sword to my side, making me bend in pain…. As I didn't really realized it coming yet again, because my mind had other thoughts about 'sticks' especially yours BaKanda!…..I tore the bindings on my left and pulled my blindfold angrily, and swing my sword to him, he dodged it easily. "Hmpf…. I cannot imagine how you could be a point breaker longer then I am…. useless finders can fight more then you!" He continued, I slashed my sword fast to his blind spot, and he could barely dodge it with his own.

"I'm just getting warmed up!" I replied, and our usual spar, both with swords and words has begun. Both of us had the same grin on our face (yep! grinning Kanda! It's yet another new behaviour pattern from him! I'm not sure when it started, but my guess is after the Alma-incident….) as we both enjoyed our little session, as in beating up each other like a pulp.

But of course our great time was over, when Lavi decided to drop by. He had a happy grin on his face, probably because he came of his pouting at that time, when he walked into the room, finding his love there, now with his Mugen invoked at the Second Illusion state, standing in the middle of the room sweating with untied hair, panting. It's quite a view for sure…

But his smile dropped the instant I fell from the ceiling, Crowned Clown fully invoked, as I was actually hanging upside down on the ceiling with the help of my Crown Belt, to dodge Kanda's attack, and I tried to use Kanda's momentary gaze to counterattack, although I was late to see what distracted him.

"Hey Lavi!" I smiled at him when my sword clashed with Kanda's and he stopped it. Of course it was my worldwide famous fake smile, as I actually wasn't too happy that, he interrupted my perfect spar with the now ohthefuckingsexy Kanda. He pushed me back and looked at the Usagi grinning.

"Wanna join Usagi?" He challenged him.

"No…you two…. have fun…." (HUH?! What was that? I thought) He said and actually run out of the room with a loud bang. Kanda looked after him, with a concerned and confused (as me) expression I have never really saw before…. And I knew….

"Go after him….." I forced it to sound normal, though I was conveniently hiding behind my now much longer bangs, so he couldn't really see the hurt expression on my face.

"I…I'll be back…." He hissed, with a slight regret in his voice, and run after Lavi.


	6. Chapter 6

**AN.: Hiya there! Thank you for reading my fic so far! :D Again, I'm sorry that I didn't upload it sooner. :( My finals are breathing down my neck, so I'm really busy….XD I hope I'll have time to write, but it's possible I'll be even more slower than before. I'm really sorry… After I'd finish my exams I'll have more time possibly….or hopefully….well I'll see, but I'd try to upload faster.**

 **I really appreciate reviews, so R &R please! :D:D**

I knew he wouldn't be back. First I felt that, yeah, it is totally fine by me that he just left me in the middle of a great training session, as of course he should be more concerned about his lover, and why the hell he had to run away like that.

It hurt, yes. Greatly. But I knew it is not a fair thing, as Kanda is not compelled to train with me, and he can do whatever he liked, and he has a boyfriend who just run away seemingly quite hurt, and of course it is the right course of action to go after him, especially when I told him to do so.

But still this didn't stop me to feel annoyed by Lavi afterwards. I felt, when I started to write, so really annoyed, as he actually interrupted MY great time with MY love interest…but of course being me is never too easy, as soon, as I suppressed my TRUE emotions, I become more and more annoyed by Lavi of course, but Kanda and myself as well. As if it wasn't well fucked up to begin with.

See my concern here? I know I wrote pages and pages in seemingly totally random, but it is not. To make it clear, I am in love with one of my friends' boyfriend, and said friend starting to act unfriendly, and said boyfriend started to act strangely nice… So how should I know what is going on? Probably my love filled mind is trying to make me believe that Kanda started to be interested in me, and Lavi realized it, so he is being a jealous ass…. Or who knows Kanda might be just oblivious and unconcerned about anything really, and has no idea what is he doing to me…. probably in Kanda's case the latest.

However, it is possible equally, that this whole thing is in my head, and those changes are entirely different things. For example, they are just stressed. Everyone in the order works their ass off lately, with the constant and increasing Noah threat…. or the more and more higher level AKUMAs roaming the Earth…. and the lack of exorcists. So they probably don't really have time for each other, and whenever they had free time the dutiful Kanda rather train. Who knows…. Sometimes I wish I could read minds…. I should have inherited the ability of reading minds from the Noah gene, so that damn monster that took resident in the back of my head should be at least useful like that.

Okay, I hope no one from the Central is going to read my diary in the meanwhile…. If yes, then be at ease… Neah is well preserved in the back of my head now.

But this in now not the point…. After writing this whole thing down I can see that it is such a mess….no wonder I am being such an idiot nowadays. It's not enough to have these hormonal-emotional things inside me, but this all in the middle of a war… I should be more worried about getting killed by the Noah, or the Earl….

But well…. we can actually die tomorrow, so why not?

Anyway, these things Kanda is doing nowadays are giving me hope. I know I shouldn't be thinking like that, but still my mind wanders. Deep inside my "dark" side feels happy, when I see them arguing. I feel so shameful about that, but hopefully my diary won't be read in my life, so why should I lie to myself?

The truth is, I kind of hope that one of their argument is going to turn into a serious fight, and a possible break up. I mean they are so not a match for each other! I cannot even imagine how they have ended up in a relationship…

See…. Lavi was really serious about his duties as a Bookman successor, but his feelings were still strong for us, his friends. I didn't have to be Road Camelot to see into this side of his mind. I could see through the confusion, and his fake façade merging with his true feelings. After all I'm a true master at that as well…

Then after he renounced his rights, he was allowed to have feelings. I think after he come to the Order he wanted friends, family or the freedom of his feelings. Then the Noah-accidents happened, he become really depressed, and he needed us. We helped him through it, then he became even more touchy-free and his emotional bursts were hard.

So clearly he still wants to be loved (who doesn't?) and he wants affection, visible affection, so he can comprehend his past as a Bookman successor. And he clearly puts these before his duty.

His Innocence has changed after all of this… his seals become more emotional, if this is possible…His Fire Seal has become stronger, and more intense. He has unlocked another aspect of the Lightning Seal, although he only can use that when he is pissed. But for example his Wood Seal weakened, as he become less rational then before. I know it sounds strange. As we were told before, that mostly the parasitic Innocence would more likely answer to the accommodator's emotion. But well…after Lenalee awaken her crystal type Innocence, we are not sure about anything anymore.

On the other hand, Kanda. Well he is a whole different thing. Him, being a second exorcist, with a magical biological seal, his fate was to be always the slave of the Innocence, and he being himself, puts duty above everything else. Also he was the second (and currently the last) who has converted to crystal type. And crystal type is similar to the parasitic one.

Or we are told so…. The Innocence is forged from the host's blood, and in a similar way, sucking out the life force. (I heard Komui talking about this, after Lenalee's Innocence has turned…poor guy….) I think Kanda become point breaker around that time…I'm not entirely sure, but he was named General when I was on the run.

As I recall…. This was the only way to keep Vatican off his scent, and mine as he was with Johnny and me. I also think his new position helped him, to clear my name, along with Link. (Of course they would never make me General, even though I was a point breaker long before…. but you know…half Noah as an exorcist General. No-no.) So his Mugen became even more powerful as a crystal type, and he still wants to be stronger.

So see why they are not so perfect match? They want different things, Lavi love and compassion, and Kanda's just…Kanda. And my evil self says I would be a better match for him, as we usually inspire each other to get stronger and stronger. Of course I want to be loved and such. But I want to protect everyone, and help the poor souls, that are chained to those mechanical bodies more, then to fulfil my selfish desires.

And Kanda and I have a better chemistry… okay…from me it's sexual, from him…hell knows. But the thing is, the tension between us is always looks more intense. And that could mean heated and intense sex for example….

Okay that's reminds me actually why I started this topic about hope and such. These changes and the trouble in paradise between the two of them, not only gives me more hope, and even deeper feelings, but my hormonal mind converts these into hard-core sex scenes in my dreams…. I know I've shouldn't think about those, as it would make it HARD (yep both ways….) for me, but I was just thinking, as I am writing for hours now, and feeling better and better, so I just write some of them down….so maybe it can put my mind at ease…


	7. Chapter 7

**An.: I am so sorry about, not updating for closely two weeks! I'm soooo busy and I don't have a time to write. My exam is breathing down on my neck and at my workplace I have to work more. Even though I said I have my exam so I rather not…. But they didn't care. Hopefully after my exam and graduation, I'll be a bit less busy… So I can update at least once a week, but for now, please forgive me!**

Warnings: Boy X Boy Lemon! Not to descriptive though! But if you don't like these kind of stuff, skip this chapter!

So let's see my latest dream…. Unfortunately is just a dream, and has no base in the reality…but it's just…..eeh….good, and hot….

I have these dreams whenever I feel hopeful, or see him in the public bath…. Or after some intense training.

Okay maybe I see these kind of dreams a lot…. But I'm 17! This should be normal at this age…. Right? And probably my fantasy helps me as well, because during training for example, strange imagines pops into my head… yep so cliché, but well… no wonder…. but my latest dream was set somewhere in the world during a mission.

I cannot remember the whole thing, though, just the juicy parts….

Well in my dream first I was fighting with the AKUMA, and got injured. And them the scene skipped, and I was in a hotel bed, and next to me Kanda was sitting. I don't know how he got into the dream then, because during the fight there was no one with me. So I woke in the dream, and the first sight was Kanda in his gorgeous being. Wearing his usual grunt.

"where am I? and why?" I remember this, the confused feeling and my words probably were these.

"You got injured Baka Moyashi" He answered. Yep typically Kanda.

"It's ALLEN!" I continued and moved. I grunted because probably it hurt, then Kanda pushed me backing saying 'don't sit up so suddenly.' ….. scene jump again and I was under him now in a different room… that reminded me about some place I've been before but I couldn't place it.

He was touching me…I felt like burning under his feather touches, as he teased my body… he had his hair down, and he had no shirt on. I was also just in my pants. He kissed my upper body, teasing my nipples with his tongue, I was squirming under his touch.

"Aren't you sensitive Moyashi?" Kanda grinned evilly, as he held my hands above my head. I couldn't move much, because his weight was holding me down.

"Agghh…." I grunted as he found some sensitive spot on my neck, and started to suck on there… He probably did some good job on giving me a hickey. He started to move down to my collarbone in torturous slow speed.

My whole body was on fire, I couldn't say any coherent sentence, but he seemed to understand me.

He was sucking on my collarbone, while he played with my nipple with his free hand … Desire and lust took over my thoughts….

Then probably my mind decided to skip the slow torture part, because in the next scene we were both totally naked, with seriously hard members, grinding it to the other as we have fought for dominance.

In my dream I won that round (if this would ever happen in the reality, I don't think he would give in so easily…..no….probably he would never give in….But actually I wouldn't even care about that as long as he would make me his….but anyway, dreams work differently…) so I was on the top now, and I was the one exploring every inch of his body….mapping every sensitive spot with my tongue. Giving back the slow torture he gave me before. I kissed down slowly savouring his skin on his stomach. I went along the lines of his abs, never getting too close to his groin. He was frustrated as I felt his ragged breathing, and his funny moans as he tried not to make noise.

I was enjoying this too far. I decided to torture him more, I slowly reached his groin, and licked sensually on his erection. He hissed at the sensation, grabbing the sheets. I held down his hips so he wouldn't bulk up for more.

"Ugh…Moyashi…Stop that!" He grunted

"You want me to stop?" I grinned, (am I this evil in my dreams? oh God…. but it feels sooo good) and stopped the licking. Kanda hissed at the loss of stimulation.

"Tch…you're being impossible…." he said and tried to push me back so he could take the control. I wouldn't let that. I held him down with my weight, and turned my attention back to his pulsing erection. It was so fun to torture him like this…I wish I would have the energy to see more of this in the dream, but my mind skipped a scene again.

To the actual intercourse part.

In the next scene I was pounding into him hardly, as he was trying to supress his moans, as probably I was hitting his prostate. Judging from his expressions. Oh god…How sexy it was…. his face distorted with pleasure I gave him. Eyes shut mouth half open and panting hard as I moved hard and fast. The almost supressed moans, but I could hear them….

New images pops into my mind now…more and more…

I can almost feel his scent as well…. clear soap mixing with the smell of green tea and soba….and this mixing with the flashing imagines inside my mind…. Now it is hard to concentrate…. my mind is getting fuzzy… He has such a flawless body, with his healing abilities he has no wounds or scars for long, and his lean muscles and perfect abs…. oh god help me…. I gonna need another shower for sure…

Snap out if it Allen…it was just a dream… don't get yet another boner just to thinking about it….

.

.

.

Failed. I couldn't stop myself thinking about the dream, and my mind decided to go more vivid then the dream itself was, filling out all details….so I ended up with another hard on.

Second just in a few hours. Curse these hormones.

I'm getting tired… It's almost dawn, Kanda's waking up soon I think….I have always saw him up early whenever we went to a mission together. I myself usually a late riser, I got used to staying up late when I was with Mana in the circus.

I couldn't really shake that habit. Kanda is always annoyed on the missions when I woke up like two hours later then he had (and it is still early in the morning! usually like 7-8? Who the hell wakes up at 5-6? yeah…Kanda…. well I wouldn't mind waking up that early if I would wake up next to him….XD) So anyway the sun is up…I should sleep…


End file.
